Recently, I've just feeling a bit off and sad. I'm so pressured and I don't honestly know what to do. My mom and my sister always manage to piss the hell out of me. Last year, when I was in my freshmen year, I knew I screwed my grades up, always went out with friends and even with the wrong crowd. But that doesn't mean I didn't care about all of it. I, like many other people or even everybody, has lots of dreams. No, I dont need anyone to tell me or constantly remind me that I cant do it. That I suck at this, at that. You cant do this, you cant do that. You wont do this, shouldn't to that! Must to this & not that. My mom and I always have these fights and I'm pretty used to it. The feeling of being small and inferior. Now, I now she's my mom and she have all the right to scold me about whatever but to hell with sensitivity. One time she told me, "Yeah because you didn't prove that you're a grown up already." I was so close to saying, "Because I'm fucking not!" Really though. I'm not a damn grown up. I'm 14 for fuck's sake! I'm a teenager, I make mistakes. A lot of them actually. I want to make her proud so bad but whatever I fucking do, nothing fucking happens. Recalling all of it, she's never been to any of my musical plays. I always do great in them. I always win as the best actress, best supporting actress and all. She was never there. When I was in my last elementary year, I was not in the capital city of my country. I was studying back to my hometown and when I reached high school, they transferred me to a really expensive and high-class high school. For the past 2 years of my life, they have not stopped talking about me not proving myself that I can handle school. My freshman year was really tough and I'll admit I had to take Algebra for summer because I failed it. I didn't mind cause I didn't have the right to. At least I can do something to make myself busy, right? I took it out like that. I put a positive spin on it because I had to survive it. After that my mom told me I won't anymore go to that school because I'm wasting pretty much $2,500 for school that I don't even deserve. But turns out they still enrolled me to the same school and now, NOPE i don't have any failing marks which I'm super proud about! But because of my bad habits, maybe they wont send me there anymore. I don't even know.
Bottom line is, I want to make her super proud but I don't know where to start. I wanna earn $2500 to enroll myself to my school next school year because I love it there. That's all for tonight.
With love, Kailee
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